YAMAN SA SOBRE

I was on a jeepney ride home for lunch. I was still somewhere along Q.C when this man placed an enveloped on my lap. I didn’t look at him; I said God is consistent today. :) I took a twenty peso-bill and gave it to him (and that’s when I looked at him) and asked nicely If I could keep the envelope. He didn’t seem to mind. I wanted to take a photo of it and post it on my blog. And so here it is:

I wondered how old he was, and if he was doing this part-time, full-time, just now or ever since. I thought he could get a job instead of being a beggar like this. I shouldn’t have given him money but then I thought how many businesses hire beggars from the street? Businesses want background, want requirements, and want employees with a permanent address at least. How many job opening welcomes homeless people and beggars? I should give this guy a break. Life is tough enough for people like him. I know every one on the jeep was thinking he was some lazy bum that’s why they didn’t give him any money; I know I did think that too, I just thought he needed a break except a while later I learned that maybe yes, next time I should hold back.

Not a few minutes after, another envelope fell on my lap, handed by a boy no more than 5 years old. I opened my wallet and thought maybe I should just give him coins, but felt that I shouldn’t give him less just because he was younger.So I did the same thing; I gave him the money and asked if I could keep the envelope. He didn’t answer, he just looked at me and then I smiled and folded it into my bag. MY MISTAKE. Now his mother was sitting by the entrance of the jeepney ride watching what happened. I made the words out carefully since I was all the way inside the jeepney and she was sitting by the entrance, tapping cans she turned into musical drums. As I was about to alight,She demanded “AKIN NA ANG SOBRE!!!” Stunned I smiled and said “ bawal hingiin?”to which she again demanded “AKIN NA ANG SOBRE!!!” (Baka mangkumpitensya pa kasi ata ako?)

Hahaha. Now at least I got to experience a different kind of reaction right? (“,) ~masyado na ata kasi akong komportable~

The Wrong Move and The Right Pocket.

God. He heard me alright.(",) Today he sent one kid and one very old desperate guy holding a zerox copy of what looked like an outdated doctor's prescription note begging for whatever amount.

I was still feeling down. I just got off from taking a 30-minute quiz at school and as we were passing by a fast food drive-thru and we were shouting our orders at the radio box. A boy started playing with the box, whispering whatever to the box and confusing our orders. He caught my attention alright. I watched him playing with the box, wondering if this kid was just simply doing that to annoy or harass us or maybe he was simply playing. And maybe hearing a voice coming out of the box fascinated him. Who knows. I decided it could be a something in between both. I pulled a ten-peso coin and had Ryan gave it to him. I realized right after if maybe that wasn't such a good idea in that case, but it has been done. I wondered what he would do with the coin as he stared at it for a while. He didn't look like he would use it to buy cigarettes though or some rugby. I wished in my mind, he'd give it to his mom or just spend it on candy. I made a mistake. He didn't leave as well, he continued playing with the radio box.

I realized I could have given him an idea to beg. Maybe that could give him the wrong idea about playing with drive-thru radio boxes. I don't know. Anyways, I realized something else. Helping is not just about handing out something from my pocket.Maybe at that time I should have just said" Kid dont play with that, cars go by here and you could get hit or maybe get hurt " but I didn't, instead I gave him a ten-peso coin. I am a witch. I suck. I learned a lesson today. And maybe God told me something. Except for the witch and suck part, I am totally saying that to myself.

Then when we got home and got the car parked, Ryan opened his car door and immediately this old man holding this prescription drug photocopy asked us for some change. I didn't see his face as i was on the passenger's seat. I just saw his wrinkly hands, shabby clothes and the paper he was holding. I quickly asked myself. What would I do now? I told myself I'll do what I can. I have to give this old man the benefit of the doubt, that maybe the racket he was pulling was fake but the reasons he was doing it for wasn't. He needed help and I was there. I opened my coin purse and pulled out a twenty-peso bill. I thought about digging for coins but the coins for some reason, seemed stuck in the little corner of the purse and so I realized that maybe this was what I was supposed to give him. I don't have time to ask if my heart was willing. It didn't seem to be against it anyway. So I said, Give this to him, it's fate. or Destiny. Or Chance. That i just turned into fate. (",)

I don't know maybe I could all just be making this up. I'm no righteous person. I just realized that maybe fate doesn't just refer to what you become, what career you end up having, what kind of life you end up living or who you end up loving. Fate, Destiny, Chances are every moment of our lives, every small detail in it and every person we meet and every thing we do. This old guy is in mine. For that brief moment. I hope I did good by him.

Rain, Children, Noodles and You

Yesterday was kind of shitty. I stayed home today. I'm a mess. I stayed home and watched 'Wedding Daze' and thought i should catch some lost sleep. Studies say that when you aren't getting enough needed sleep, it makes you well in some cases, any of the following or all of the following: cranky, sensitive, emotional, crazy. I don't know which one to pick but I'm crossing my fingers its not all of the following.

Anyways, aside from that I think I may have done some good even so. Hopefully.

It was raining yesterday. My group mates and I sort of braved the rain and feasted on street food (isaw, etc). My uniform was getting wet despite of the efforts of a borrowed umbrella. My skin was starting to feel cold. And then I noticed these two kids right beside the isaw-vendor. They were selling noodles. Kids selling noodles in the rain. The other day, i told myself that someday I want to help make the world a better place every day. And i started thinking, why not. Why not start that day? Yeah. Maybe I'm not Mother Theresa. Yeah. Maybe I'm not capable of donating millions, not capable of making this big tidal wave over these children's lives for example, but I knew what I can do. At least.

I walked over and asked how much is an order of noodles. This kid said 17 pesos, so I said I'll order one and paid for it. When he was about to give me my order,I said he can keep it. I just ordered, I said. I don't know, he seemed confused. (",) I thought about what he could be thinking: "did this lady stole a plastic of noodles from us earlier when we were'nt looking and now she's paying for it?" I don't know. I didn't mind. I wanted to do it, that's all.

I am not saying this here so that I could claim to the world that I have a golden heart, that I did a good deed. Let's scrap that. I am no better than anybody in this planet. A good deed is a category or a label you want to name what you did, and I would rather want to think, what I did was pure and simple 'help', we can consider that a label for doing something else for someone regardless of yourself. I am not sure I said that right but i hope you got the point. I just dont want anybody who could be reading this to focus on the wrong details.

Golden heart. I dont have that( I am not trying to be humble, believe me, we don't need golden hearts to help once in a while) . 17 pesos is not a big deal. Anyone could have done that and that is just the point. Any of us could do it, if we just take the time. I think these kids earned it. While some of us maybe quick to think that these kids are being ran by syndicates, or being pushed to work by their lazy parents, for all we know, they could just really have no choice but we won't understand that deep since we are not in their shoes. When I was a kid, I played in the rain. These children are working in the rain.

Whether or not we stop by to care, all the things around them will change their lives forever. I want to do what I can given the moment. I think Any of us can too.

Waterproof Mascara

Inhale. Exhale. I obviously don't see the point. What. When you said rebellion is when questions are being raised. I thought questions were raised for answers. Simple as that. I asked (politely as I always do, careful to deliver my thoughts in a humble tone) because I wanted to understand not because I wanted to challenge authority. It is frustrating that it is always anticipated with false assumptions. (False assumptions, when you yourself have taught us to not rely on false assumptions because it will only mislead you.) Assumptions that we are deliberately doing so just to test power boundaries. Last time i checked, I was not an activist. Maybe there are people who does that but that is not the case with us. And it made me cry to be so helplessly misunderstood, not because i did not have opportunity to clear the issue but because we were not given the right to. You told me that me crying will make me a better person. That when you are being grilled in your own office we do not see you cry GAAAADDDHHH. That is too stereotyped. This is not even about you grilling our asses. I can take the heat but what i cannot take is bullshit. Crying doesnt mean you are letting down or that you are a sunken ship in the middle of nowhere. I am a person capable of crying, with lacrimal ducts capable of producing tears, who cries when the low blow is too much.

You have always reacted as if a dictator always too defensive of his power. Always demanding for more respect when it is already there. You want to hit us with your iron fist and manipulate us to believe that your smile is saying HI WHAT IS YOUR CONCERN I AM STILL YOUR FRIEND. It is too conflicting.

You want us to understand that you are in a tough position. You give orders and people need to follow them but most them doesn't want to. But why do you drag the people who do follow the orders in your anger among those who do not then? Do you not lose the votes of those who follow you because you do not know how to appreciate? Because you find it hard to attack those who deliberately disobey you, you simply generalized everyone because you believe it to be fair and safer for you?

I watch you tell us that you pity us but you don't (which is confusing to say so by the way). We are watching as well and we pity you back. Just as you teach us, if you want something and you are asking for it from somebody or in this case everybody, you do not ask for it in a way that people will only end up hating you.

Right and Just falls under command system which according to you is whatever the higher command says so.

As for explanations,yes we agree that it is unnecessary at times. We did not ask why because the answer could have been buried in the past. You have complicated such a simple thing and turned it into something complex and bounced it back to us as a riddle which if we answer will make us impolite. You made our question seem like ' why is the sea blue?' when we were only asking 'what time is it?" when the answer is nothing but in the present why do you have to dig too deep just so you can block us off. By doing that, are you really sure you are teaching us in the best way you can with no whatsoever prejudices?

We are both helpless.

I will always show you respect because i respect your title, but i am beginning to doubt if it will ever be because i respect you for who you are.