The Rationale for 'Stomach-In''

August 29, 2010 “Ma’am hindi po ba buntis?” The ticket lady asked me.
I didn’t answer.
Maybe she was talking to the LetLet who was standing beside me. She is bigger anyway. “Ma’am hindi po ba buntis?” She repeated.
I couldn’t believe my ears. I must have asked “Ako Ba?” more than once.
“ Hindi po ba buntis?…bawal po buntis…may sakit sa puso…may asthma…”
She went on…but my ears kind of stopped at ‘buntis’.
Then I stared down at my loose blouse. It ballooned at the front. I had tucked it the wrong way
“No!” I tugged at my blouse.

I guess I shouldn’t take it personally. Nothing personal - so when I got home, I just did 1000 sit-ups…kidding. :) After all, there have been times when I, myself, have assumed others to be pregnant when they were actually not. And I- meant well.

Lets cite an incident: Upon seeing my chemistry professor at an event, I greeted her and noticed her bulging tummy. My eyes sparkled (<-says me).

I immediately concluded ‘She’s finally PREGNANT.’ She once told us that she and her husband have been trying for almost 20 years now. So I was excited for her.

I gasped with a full smile “Wow Ma’am (gawking at her tummy) ---- CONGRATULATIONS!!! Wow!!!”
She looked back at me and didn’t say anything; Clueless.
That’s when I realized she wasn’t pregnant. I’m guessing she got what I was saying.

So to politely save the moment, I continued with “CONGRATULATIONS……Ma’am nakarating kayo!!…wow andito na kayo!!”. (like being there was something to be congratulated about.)

I gave her a cheek-to-cheek and walked away graciously.*wink

Laki Sa Lola

“Hola” she said on facebook. My grandmother, Amah, is 73 years old and it’s been years since she was last here in the Philippines.

One of my fondest memory of her is that time when I just got home, she was smiling on her rocking chair and holding a celphone. I knew it was for me :) but to not ruin the surprise, I acted dumb.

ME: “WOW. Amah ang ganda niyan” pointing to the 6110 Nokia phone on her hand ( although 61-10's along with other early models of antenna phones have phased out already :) )

The gesture was priceless. Amah’s excitement was all over her face…WHY would anybody ever want to ruin the moment? :)

Amah: (in chinese) Indeed!! Look! it even has many HIGH-TECH features!.”

Amah: Ko-u Alarm Clock! Ko-u Calculator! (It even has an alarm clock function! and a calculator function!) :)

I gave a wow to every feature she boasted to me, even though I knew these things were only...regular features :)

I smiled: “Amah.. Eh.. Kanino ba yan?”

She grinned like a happy teenager and said “Bwe Ho Di Ah (bought it for you...)”

I took it. :) I used that phone with pride :) until it was time again to surprise me with a 3210 which came in a multi-colored hologram smiley casing, multi-colored keypads and backlight. :D

“Si Amah talaga..” :) <3

~While things lose their value over time, sentiments don’t.

Long Live, Wall-E. :)

BIG MOMMA

Big is beautiful; the weight gain kept my feet on the ground and taught me a few things. :)

I used to be BIG. Well, I was thin first and then I got bigger (and oh well pregnant). I was 107 lbs. And in nine months I ballooned to 200lbs. Okay let’s scrap the pregnancy part. I was so big, that AFTER giving birth and I came home from the hospital, one neighbor greeted me and said “ay! Naku malapit ka ng manganak” her eyes glowing. I almost cried “Nanganak na nga ako eh, nanganak na ko”

I’d stare at my body in the mirror wondering if I was still human or if I was a huge kangaroo.

There was even one time, I was in the elevator and the operator just kept staring, finally I asked her “baket?” and she blurted out one stinging rhetorical question “ANONG NANGYARI SA IYO.”

It was a time when, if the seats were all taken and you could clearly see that the whole bench is being occupied by men, you silently hope in your heart somebody would give you a seat…but it never happened when I was that big.

I learned to really understand how sad it was to see the difference between how people treated me before and after, and to see clothes I’d like to wear and not be able to fit in them, to wonder if the conductor wanted to charge me more because my ass occupied more than one seat, and to realize that the fat jokes, they’re always funny.. just maybe…not always cool; That it was hard to lose the weight I so carelessly and mindlessly put on myself.

It was a good experience because it was humbling.

Co-Gluttons, be warned.

hairy matters

I remember watching a basketball game. Aiza was cheering for her boyfriend-then. I was sitting beside her. She’d get so excited she’d flick her long hair every time she cheered. And every time she did, her hair would hit me on the face. No. It attacked me. :D

As she didn’t notice the whole time… I decided to ask “Aiza may kanin ka ba dyan?” She had her back to me and she still had some of her hair on my face when she answered ”wala ,baket?” before she turned around.

I smiled ” kasi kanina mo pa pina-pakain sa akin buhok mo eh kulang na lang kanin” :))

Then last night, while on a jeepney ride, this woman did the same thing to me, twice. First she hit me on my left cheek and then she hit me on the nose.

I laughed in my mind. Naisip ko lang… a woman indeed is made up of sweet-deadly things. A-basta. :) ~even the strands of hair.. of the girl you love can hurt you~ hephephep hindi ko naman love yung woman na iyon ah, naisip ko lang.

Anyways nakatali lang buhok ko pero mahaba din yan :)) and nanakit din? :) try ko patigasin ng parang kahoy then ihasa then chaka ko iflick around para sampal na ang dating :)

‘Glory is the woman with long hair’. :D

. <- Period

My Aunt came out of the bathroom and handed me a bulky-something neatly wrapped in toilet tissue paper and said "Cherry tapon mo toh sa basura sa labas". I took it from her hand and asked "Sa-e Ano toh?" and she just said "Siopao". I was seven years old. I obediently dropped it down the trash shoot of the building, wondering 'bakit tinapon kung siopao? sayang'

Siopao. It was the summer of the year I turned 13, when i finally now had to throw my own siopao's...:) It was an awkward time in my life. haha. Enough said.

I said to myself that when Czesca starts to ask about these things I will be more honest.

I just didnt expect it to be too soon. So the other night as we were about to go to sleep...

Czesca: Mommy bakit may dugo ka sa pampers mo?

Me: Sino nagsabi sa iyo?

Czesca: ako lang, nakita ko...bakit may dugo ka sa pampers mommy?

Me: Ah...someday Czesca, paglaki mo magkakaganun ka din..

Czesca:....

Me: That's called "period"

Czesca: Hindi kaya 'period'...mommy...ang tawag dun 'blood'. "BLOOD" mommy "Blood" hindi 'period'.

Of course, i laughed again. Sometimes I wonder kung namimilosopo lang siya or if she's really just 4. She always has a point naman ahaha.

Me: hay nako pagusapan na lang natin pag ten or eleven years old ka na, ilang taon ka na ba?

Czesca: 4...

Me: o see 4 ka lang, remind mo na lang ako pag 11 ka na...

Scoring more points over me? I had to at least try to redeem myself. hahaha.

No Air No Air

Czesca: Mommy, marami bang pera si Jesus?

Me: Bakit mo naman ask kung maraming pera si Jesus?

Czesca: Di ba give niya tayo ng blessing para dami tayong pera para punta ako sa playhouse?

Me: yes blessing yun ni Jesus, but madami naman klaseng blessing Czesca

Czesca: Anu yun?

Me: For example, nakakahinga tayo kasi blessing ni Jesus yung air sa atin, di ba di ka makakahinga pag walang air?

Czesca: Yes

Me: oh lets try, close your mouth and ipit ko your nose…

I gently pinched Czesca’s nostrils close.

Me: oh di ba? Di ka na makahinga?

Czesca looks at me and says: Mommy, inipit mo kaya nose ko…

I laughed, the girl has got a point.

PaMaNa

You know how at times when people pay you a compliment about your body; sometimes you go and say something like “I got it from my mom”. Your long legs, your eyes, you hips, your boobs, they’re beautiful DNA heritage you got from (usually) your mom. It wouldn’t be too nice to hear you got your…lets say boobs… from your dad.

So anyways, I was in my mom’s room, studying myself in front of her mirror and I started saying how I got too much of my father’s DNA focused on my siopao-cheeks. Since my father is dead, I decided to blame her and joke that she owes me a Buccal fat removal procedure. ;D To which she told me:

Her: Hay nako, tumigil ka nga diyan..ewan ko sa iyo…

Me: Anung tumigil, eh ikaw nga jan, nagpagawa ka pa ng boobs…arte lang…

Her: Ano kaya kung gusto mo, pag pinatanggal ko na, lipat natin sa iyo? Gusto mo?

Me: Eeeew….yuck… ah… pwede ba mi.

Her: Anu ka? Magandang klase toh ah. And mahal na klase hindi yung ordinary.

Me: Hindi naman bagay sa kin yang ganyang size dahil iba body structure natin, O.A. sa akin yan ewww…at tagal na niyan ah. No way ewww. Anu ka ba?

Wala namang sampalang naganap, biruan lang and a few rolling of the eyes and raising of eyebrows and animated facial expressions.

However, if I actually decide to take those implants for myself, technically I could still say ‘I got it from my mom’ hahaha.

Paki Plastic =)

A good friend came to visit a day ago. We talked. We laughed. Its good to have real friends you can talk about things which the not-so-real-friend won't understand. :))

For example, totoo naman, i mean sige wag nating lahatin :)) pero its true...and it happens. Sometimes we meet people who we like pero at the same time minsan mayroon silang super kakaibang level na annoying side, and then when that happens we tend to talk about them (facts of life: a.k.a. talking behind their backs na rin tawag dun) And we talk about how they talk about us and how they think we wouldn't know... so who's to know if they already know we are also talking about them :)) Baka its just going on in a circle, pero voila, like magic we're all still friends. :D life is funny :)


And another fact of life: lahat tayo galit sa plastik. :)) ( Fine Ayaw sa Plastik :D)

Pero sa totoo lang aminin man natin o hindeh, sadya man natin o hindeh, minsan plastik din tayo. Pagandahin natin ang term, kelangan pilitin natin makisama or magtiis, it doesnt seem mature din naman kung lahat ng taong hindi mo feel, tataas-an mo ng kilay, mega papakita mo prangka ka ora-mismo, ever ready ka sa basag ulo at tarayan :)) parang mali rin di ba? Parang ang cheap. Pero paano sabi naman ng iba mabuti ng cheap at least totoong tao. :)) oh well san ba tayo lulugar people? :)

Whatever you choose to do...lets try to do it with grace.

Alam niyo pag sinabi ko naman with grace eh pwede pa rin naman kayo lets say magalit...ma high blood...yung grace input niyo na lang sa choice of words hehehe...

Well well well that's life. :D

(To my real friends, sagad hanggang buto :)) nagbabasagan man tayo minsan :)) we're true friends :)) )

Sa Panig ng Kontrabida

Sumasakit ang ulo ko.

Ito na ang isa sa mga alam kong ikagagalit ng opinyon ng marami. Well kung di kayo agree sa akin, okay lang ganito talaga ang buhay, may kontra may kampi.


Ganun talaga sa love. Minsan ikaw ang bida, minsan ikaw ang kontrabida, minsan ikaw ang api.

Be ready to take on all roles.

AT MALALAMAN NIYONG WALA NI ISA SA KANILA ANG MADALING GAMPANAN-WALA.

Hindi niyo man magampanan lahat ng ito in your lifetime, lets say hindi mo na try maging kontrabida, good for you, but you still have to consider the possibility, you have to consider na may ganyan, it doesnt mean na dahil hindi directly nangyari sa iyo that its not real or that it doesnt happen in a normal world and na may karapatan ka, na may alam ka para makealam. CONSIDER.

Simula pa noong unang panahon hindi naman nabago ang mga kwento ng hiwalayan.
Its just not working anymore. There's someone else. Im sorry. Hindi na kita mahal. Things changed. Your bf is a dog. Your gf is whore. LAHAT NG NANG IWAN GUSTO NIYO PAPUNTAHIN SA HELL. OO na ikaw na kawawa, ikaw na bida, ikaw na mabuting tao. Ikaw na ang tama. Sana makarma sila. Sana mapunta sila sa panget or kung panget ka rin sa mas panget. Sana mag hirap sila. Sana maputulan sila ng kuryente. etc.

Hindi ko sinasabing bawal mong ipaalam na masakit, na ang hirap at na galit ka.
Wala namang pumapasok sa pag ibig ang nagplano na o nag se set ng expiry date or time kung kelan sila maghihiwalay, lahat naman tayo akala natin 'this is it'.

When they leave you after you tried everything to make them stay, let them go. You cannot make them stay just to keep yourself happy, to keep your dream protected, because then you're probably no better than them, they just want to be where they could be happy as well, they go sometimes because yes they dont deserve you, you dont deserve them, its for the best oo punyeta pati yang its for the best totoo yan.

Im sorry. The truth is you dont have to deserve pain in order to get hurt, in fact it hurts also because you didnt really deserve it. But this is life.

Ipagdadamot mo ba yon.
OO na ikaw na dakila sa pagibig.

Stars

I pictured myself watching stars but have never really done it the way I have pictured it.
I remember looking up as we were walking from the parking to my father's burial.
Those little light bulbs of the night.

Although science has explained them. They will always be the way I describe them. =) And that's the best thing about stars. To some they are heavenly bodies, to me they are a lot of things.
A lot of things. Stars are poems. I read them one night at a time.

BORED - passer ;)

My thoughts bounced off the walls of the classroom like a rubber ball. I stared at her. The apple green polo shirt kept my eyes on her and the gold buttons on it glamoured me. I crossed my legs and leaned back on my arm chair. I could feel the cold air from the aircon touch my skin. I wished I had my jacket.

Thinking of nothing-thoughts, her voice would fade away into the background and then come back like a wake-up call. It penetrates into my consciousness but nothing more.

Slide 25. I thought 21 more slides and we are done. My disinterest was not completely surprising but yes it made me feel irresponsible.

Pulling my tissue napkin over my mouth, I coughed. The sound of a lion roaring with a chicken stuck down his throat crowing, came out of me. My chest hurts from so much coughing.

There is a jungle inside of me and it is in chaos but my face could only remain unflinched, unmoved and uninterested. There you go. In other words. Im bored, I just wanted to go home, lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling. Sigh.

Tayong Dalawa

Pag tipo kasing pareho na lang tayong dalawa na nakaupo sa may bandang likod ng jeep at kitang kita mo naman na ang layo natin sa driver pareho...medyo mas tama ata na ikaw na mismo magabot ng bayad mo =)

I pushed my ass forward one at a time all the way to hand her fare money to the driver "bayad daw po". As I was doing so, I was already thinking this,haha that she had to hassle another passenger this much (in this case: me). I sort of let out some chuckles and a smile and told her sweetly ha "hindi na ata pakisuyo ang tawag dito...utos na ata pag ganito"

MiSS,HINDI AKO KONDUKTOR! =) hehe~ just kidding~ but hey I'm a good neighbor...so I still did it. haha. Ma reklamo lang =)

Oh-well

Minsan... hindi na ako sure.
(silence.)
Hey. ano masasabi mo?
(silence.)
Hey.
hindi na rin ako sure.
tapos?
ayoko na rin.
(silence)
JOKE!!! BWAHAHA.WALA.WALA. TRAPPED KA NGA DI BA. TRAPPED!!!
Baliw! Sabi ko na nga ba.
HAHAHA TRAPPED!!!
Ewan.

Black Holes

Like forceful Black Holes in the beauty of space,

And fireflies, suicidal in pursuit of bliss,

Each kiss condemn me fearful and helpless,

And all passion replaces the blood in my veins,

They run me, secretly they run me.

But then I do not care at all,

When we are so close,

To being black holes and suicidal fireflies.

You haunt me just as I haunt you,

But we are perfect for it,

No secret was ever more clandestinely mutual,

No touch had ever been so warm

yet cold at the same time

Than that which we do not share.

Than that which should not exist.

I wrote this last June 3, 2009 and included this in this semester's school paper. =)

Taking the Tests

When I was younger, I thought I was apart from the world I know - that I am not this or that kind of person, or that I am only this and that kind of person. But life is also like a test, you wouldn't really know if you passed or failed if you haven't taken the test yet. So for example you've never been in the kind of shit another person is in, think twice before you say something bad about it (",) You just might be doing no better than he/she is if that were you. Because things are easier said than done. And also, having said that life is a test, you know what the good thing is? that what really matters is not if you failed or if you passed but what you learned from it.

I'm not trying to lecture anybody - sorry if I sound like it. I am definitely no master in life's many tests either. I just wanted to share this thought so maybe we'd remember to always think twice before we judge not only people but the many complicated situations of life.
Because we have to admit it, each of us is a cast in the story called life, but each of us are also an audience to somebody else's life whether it be coincidental, momentarily or even accidental - it is inevitable that we'd have something to say about someone else and more often, a flaw is more easily acknowledged than beauty.

Giving Chances

This year God showed me that first impressions are nothing but hardened dust. Until you learn to wipe them away in order to see closer, you get stuck with seeing just dirt. I am not a saint. I don't end up liking everyone I meet instantly, I think that is normal anyway. What I'm saying is I learned that just because you started out not liking someone doesn't mean it's a dead end. Whenever is the right time, you have to at least make a sincere effort to give people chances even when you don't feel like they deserve it. Maybe its not about who you're giving a chance to, but what you are giving a chance to. Give friendship a chance.

You Know Me ...Not

Its amazing how some people would assume they know you based on what they imagine you to be...dont feel bad because of what they think of you ♥ ♥ everyone gets misunderstood ♥ ♥ bec we are all somebody else's imagination♥ ♥ unless they become lucky enough to really get to know us. (",) so don't hate. let it be. Some people were never meant to get close enough to know us. ♥ ♥ Cherry December!!! ♥ ♥Its about time we do something more than tell ourselves "I am misunderstood"

LoVE MaTTERS

We start out believing nothing on heaven or on earth could put it out. Love.

When I was younger, Love was an attraction, a feeling- a passion which cannot be tamed. As I grew up love became a matter of happiness and heartaches.
In the end, Love was a matter of choice and everyday decision..But now i realize it is so much more than that. Sure we can convince ourselves that the time we stayed together is proof of super duper commitment and undying love whatsoever and all couples should feel content already to know they are together. B.S.

B.S. ~~~NEVER BE CONTENTED.

I don't expect the world to agree.
But what I'm saying is sometimes people get too contented and confident,that they don't notice if they have stopped loving each other. And the next thing you know, someone is being taken for granted, neglected and even unconsciously avoided. And the sad part is they waste not only time itself but the time they count together. I mean what is seven, eight, nine, ten years when you stopped loving each other by year 4. What are numbers... but only numbers in the end.

When you stop at any point, its like you create a bubble, which can eventually stop your heart from beating.

At this point, one of you will want to let go. And then comes 'chances' to make it up. Love is chances as well. Its the many chances we are given to keep what might no longer be there but could still be there or to save what could be left of something which used to overflow but is now just a drying-up-stain on the ground.

If you just want to stay together forever. Yeah-sure be contented- you could just go to prison together with a life sentence to make it fun. But If you want to love forever- never be contented, - always keep the fire burning.

Cheers to those who have stayed crazy in love through decades.
Warning to those who are struggling to make it a decade.
A sign to those who know what I'm talking about.
A note to those who plan on staying together one more day.

The Wrong Move and The Right Pocket.

God. He heard me alright.(",) Today he sent one kid and one very old desperate guy holding a zerox copy of what looked like an outdated doctor's prescription note begging for whatever amount.

I was still feeling down. I just got off from taking a 30-minute quiz at school and as we were passing by a fast food drive-thru and we were shouting our orders at the radio box. A boy started playing with the box, whispering whatever to the box and confusing our orders. He caught my attention alright. I watched him playing with the box, wondering if this kid was just simply doing that to annoy or harass us or maybe he was simply playing. And maybe hearing a voice coming out of the box fascinated him. Who knows. I decided it could be a something in between both. I pulled a ten-peso coin and had Ryan gave it to him. I realized right after if maybe that wasn't such a good idea in that case, but it has been done. I wondered what he would do with the coin as he stared at it for a while. He didn't look like he would use it to buy cigarettes though or some rugby. I wished in my mind, he'd give it to his mom or just spend it on candy. I made a mistake. He didn't leave as well, he continued playing with the radio box.

I realized I could have given him an idea to beg. Maybe that could give him the wrong idea about playing with drive-thru radio boxes. I don't know. Anyways, I realized something else. Helping is not just about handing out something from my pocket.Maybe at that time I should have just said" Kid dont play with that, cars go by here and you could get hit or maybe get hurt " but I didn't, instead I gave him a ten-peso coin. I am a witch. I suck. I learned a lesson today. And maybe God told me something. Except for the witch and suck part, I am totally saying that to myself.

Then when we got home and got the car parked, Ryan opened his car door and immediately this old man holding this prescription drug photocopy asked us for some change. I didn't see his face as i was on the passenger's seat. I just saw his wrinkly hands, shabby clothes and the paper he was holding. I quickly asked myself. What would I do now? I told myself I'll do what I can. I have to give this old man the benefit of the doubt, that maybe the racket he was pulling was fake but the reasons he was doing it for wasn't. He needed help and I was there. I opened my coin purse and pulled out a twenty-peso bill. I thought about digging for coins but the coins for some reason, seemed stuck in the little corner of the purse and so I realized that maybe this was what I was supposed to give him. I don't have time to ask if my heart was willing. It didn't seem to be against it anyway. So I said, Give this to him, it's fate. or Destiny. Or Chance. That i just turned into fate. (",)

I don't know maybe I could all just be making this up. I'm no righteous person. I just realized that maybe fate doesn't just refer to what you become, what career you end up having, what kind of life you end up living or who you end up loving. Fate, Destiny, Chances are every moment of our lives, every small detail in it and every person we meet and every thing we do. This old guy is in mine. For that brief moment. I hope I did good by him.

Rain, Children, Noodles and You

Yesterday was kind of shitty. I stayed home today. I'm a mess. I stayed home and watched 'Wedding Daze' and thought i should catch some lost sleep. Studies say that when you aren't getting enough needed sleep, it makes you well in some cases, any of the following or all of the following: cranky, sensitive, emotional, crazy. I don't know which one to pick but I'm crossing my fingers its not all of the following.

Anyways, aside from that I think I may have done some good even so. Hopefully.

It was raining yesterday. My group mates and I sort of braved the rain and feasted on street food (isaw, etc). My uniform was getting wet despite of the efforts of a borrowed umbrella. My skin was starting to feel cold. And then I noticed these two kids right beside the isaw-vendor. They were selling noodles. Kids selling noodles in the rain. The other day, i told myself that someday I want to help make the world a better place every day. And i started thinking, why not. Why not start that day? Yeah. Maybe I'm not Mother Theresa. Yeah. Maybe I'm not capable of donating millions, not capable of making this big tidal wave over these children's lives for example, but I knew what I can do. At least.

I walked over and asked how much is an order of noodles. This kid said 17 pesos, so I said I'll order one and paid for it. When he was about to give me my order,I said he can keep it. I just ordered, I said. I don't know, he seemed confused. (",) I thought about what he could be thinking: "did this lady stole a plastic of noodles from us earlier when we were'nt looking and now she's paying for it?" I don't know. I didn't mind. I wanted to do it, that's all.

I am not saying this here so that I could claim to the world that I have a golden heart, that I did a good deed. Let's scrap that. I am no better than anybody in this planet. A good deed is a category or a label you want to name what you did, and I would rather want to think, what I did was pure and simple 'help', we can consider that a label for doing something else for someone regardless of yourself. I am not sure I said that right but i hope you got the point. I just dont want anybody who could be reading this to focus on the wrong details.

Golden heart. I dont have that( I am not trying to be humble, believe me, we don't need golden hearts to help once in a while) . 17 pesos is not a big deal. Anyone could have done that and that is just the point. Any of us could do it, if we just take the time. I think these kids earned it. While some of us maybe quick to think that these kids are being ran by syndicates, or being pushed to work by their lazy parents, for all we know, they could just really have no choice but we won't understand that deep since we are not in their shoes. When I was a kid, I played in the rain. These children are working in the rain.

Whether or not we stop by to care, all the things around them will change their lives forever. I want to do what I can given the moment. I think Any of us can too.